Sometimes I miss my Mum so much.
It’s the hardest thing to go through. Physically, she is here. But her mind, her personality, how she used to be, is gone for good.
I talk about dementia a lot and I know everyone is sick of hearing about it. It goes through my mind every single day, just how absolutely cruel it is. I can manage my feelings about it, keep composed if I discuss my Mum’s condition, but there are times when I am overwhelmed with grief.
The little things set me off. Whenever I come home memories of what we used to do together come back to me. We used to go for coffee and cake at Debenhams cafe before shopping for clothes. What kills me, whenever I see that place, is that though we can do that now, it won’t actually be with the same person I was with many years ago. If we went now she wouldn’t feel settled and she wouldn’t be able to follow or hold a conservation. All she’d want to do is leave.
I accepted a while ago that this wasn’t going to go away, but how does anyone get past this? How do you get over seeing your own Mother mentally deteriorate before your very eyes? And the worst thing is the dread of realising that this is only going to get worse and worse….
I worry I won’t be strong enough to cope.
I am not usually a winner of any games I play. There is one game in particular that I play so much, yet I never ever win. I still play it though, despite knowing it won’t end well and will leave me feeling like crap.
Since I was a child at school, I have compared myself to every one. I compare myself to my family, my friends my colleagues and anyone I come in to contact with. Even if I’m just being served by someone in a shop, I guarantee I will be looking at them and thinking, “I look awful compared to this person…” and I will be wishing I looked like they did.
Others around me appear to have such perfect lives. They seem to fly ahead with ease, determination and courage. No matter what I do, I often feel like I am behind and that I am stuck in a world of confusion, fear and loneliness. I get lost in scrutinising every part of someone else and looking at myself with dissatisfaction. During my worst times, I believe I am not “normal” and I will never have a “normal” life like everyone else.
Of course over years I have come to realise I compare myself so much because I am dissatisfied with how I look and behave. Its an internal attacking device I have mastered to the point of it being a natural reaction in any situation involving interaction with other people. I have met so many people who I would happily trade lives with because I often feel disappointed with my own.
I would stop playing this game, I really would if I knew how to. I don’t think I have the ability to stop until I finally like who I am. I have to work hard to stop beating myself up. Everyone is different. I am different and I am on a different journey. I have to accept this otherwise I will continue to loose.
One of the most valuable things I wish I had ever taught myself is that, you should never live your life with expectations. If I could live free of assumptions and unrealistic hopes, if I could do certain things without expecting particular results, then I would probably move much more faster through life and never be disappointed.