I am not usually a winner of any games I play. There is one game in particular that I play so much, yet I never ever win. I still play it though, despite knowing it won’t end well and will leave me feeling like crap.
Since I was a child at school, I have compared myself to every one. I compare myself to my family, my friends my colleagues and anyone I come in to contact with. Even if I’m just being served by someone in a shop, I guarantee I will be looking at them and thinking, “I look awful compared to this person…” and I will be wishing I looked like they did.
Others around me appear to have such perfect lives. They seem to fly ahead with ease, determination and courage. No matter what I do, I often feel like I am behind and that I am stuck in a world of confusion, fear and loneliness. I get lost in scrutinising every part of someone else and looking at myself with dissatisfaction. During my worst times, I believe I am not “normal” and I will never have a “normal” life like everyone else.
Of course over years I have come to realise I compare myself so much because I am dissatisfied with how I look and behave. Its an internal attacking device I have mastered to the point of it being a natural reaction in any situation involving interaction with other people. I have met so many people who I would happily trade lives with because I often feel disappointed with my own.
I would stop playing this game, I really would if I knew how to. I don’t think I have the ability to stop until I finally like who I am. I have to work hard to stop beating myself up. Everyone is different. I am different and I am on a different journey. I have to accept this otherwise I will continue to loose.