I crave for something solid; something I can rely on; something that can’t hurt me.
As great as love can be, sometimes it can be scary.
Does anyone else struggle to accept themselves? Does anyone else overthink every single thing to the point it drives them crazy? Does anyone else feel like they don’t function properly? Does anyone else have a hard time figuring out who they are?
Sometimes I just don’t feel normal.
I’ve decided to go to the doctors next week after several times thinking I should go, then quickly changing my mind and not. I guess I didn’t want to go because I kept seeing it as failure.
For many months I have been anxious and trying to keep a lid on it as best I can. Although there have been times when I have slipped up and freaked out – moments I am not proud of. A few times I have snapped, or ended up crying at the drop of a hat. These moments have shown my inability to keep my emotions under control.
I have also decided that I need to address my OCD issues. For years I have let my obsession with germs get worse. I should have tried to get help for this ages ago, but I never felt brave enough. I never wanted to accept I have a problem, but it is clear that I do when my hands are so dry no matter how much moisturiser I use. During my worse moments I have ended up standing at a sink thoroughly cleaning my hands 3 times or more until I have felt satisfied that my hands were clean. I had to clean and clean until my racing heart slowed down and the panic subsided.
But it hasn’t stopped there. I have found myself buying packs of antibacterial wipes to ensure the kitchen or bathroom were clean. There was a phase where I would clean the bathroom and kitchen every single day because they never seemed cleaned enough.
I can’t touch door handles, taps or anything in public toilets. I can’t touch bins or raw meat without washing my hands about a million times afterwards. I’ve even ended up sanitising myself after sharing a pen with someone. It’s definitely spiralled and I have now reached a point where I either allow it to rule my life even more, or nip it in the bud. I’m starting to resent the voice telling me everything is dirty. I remember a time when I never gave germs a second thought and I miss that. When I realise how much energy I have wasted on believing there are germs everywhere that need cleaning away, I feel very disappointed in myself. I need support to get out of this mindset, but I know it will take time.
My other problem is my self esteem. I keep doubting myself. I keep looking in the mirror and hating everything I see. I look at other women in awe because they are so beautiful. I don’t feel the same about myself. I look at others and how amazing they are at their jobs or hobbies, and I don’t see any of that in myself either. I struggle every day with thoughts of, “you’re stupid and look disgusting.” It’s beginning to overwhelm me again and I think its time I reached out for some help despite how much I see it as another fail in my life.