Same again

I’ve decided to go to the doctors next week after several times thinking I should go, then quickly changing my mind and not. I guess I didn’t want to go because I kept seeing it as failure.

For many months I have been anxious and trying to keep a lid on it as best I can. Although there have been times when I have slipped up and freaked out – moments I am not proud of. A few times I have snapped, or ended up crying at the drop of a hat. These moments have shown my inability to keep my emotions under control.

I have also decided that I need to address my OCD issues. For years I have let my obsession with germs get worse. I should have tried to get help for this ages ago, but I never felt brave enough. I never wanted to accept I have a problem, but it is clear that I do when my hands are so dry no matter how much moisturiser I use. During my worse moments I  have ended up standing at a sink thoroughly cleaning my hands 3 times or more until I have felt satisfied that my hands were clean. I had to clean and clean until my racing heart slowed down and the panic subsided.

But it hasn’t stopped there. I have found myself buying packs of antibacterial wipes to ensure the kitchen or bathroom were clean. There was a phase where I would clean the bathroom and kitchen every single day because they never seemed cleaned enough.

I can’t touch door handles, taps or anything in public toilets. I can’t touch bins or raw meat without washing my hands about a million times afterwards.  I’ve even ended up sanitising myself after sharing a pen with someone. It’s definitely spiralled and I have now reached a point where I either allow it to rule my life even more, or nip it in the bud. I’m starting to resent the voice telling me everything is dirty. I remember a time when I never gave germs a second thought and I miss that. When I realise how much energy I have wasted on believing there are germs everywhere that need cleaning away, I feel very disappointed in myself. I need support to get out of this mindset, but I know it will take time.

My other problem is my self esteem. I keep doubting myself. I keep looking in the mirror and hating everything I see. I look at other women in awe because they are so beautiful. I don’t feel the same about myself. I look at others and how amazing they are at their jobs or hobbies, and I don’t see any of that in myself either. I struggle every day with thoughts of, “you’re stupid and look disgusting.” It’s beginning to overwhelm me again and I think its time I reached out for some help despite how much I see it as another fail in my life.