I have definitely had better weeks.
It started off Sunday night when I barely slept. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling sick, but despite all the retching, I didn’t actually puke. Then, I panicked. Then, I cried on and off all day about so many different things: who am I; what should I do with my life; why does my mum have dementia; will I ever manage my OCD; how to I stop my self confidence ruining everything; why did I do so many cruel things in the past; am I normal? On and on and on.
These worries followed me to the next day. I felt fuzzy, tired and wired all at once. Although, I managed some moments of silence from all the thoughts, they still sprung up on me again within a few minutes. I could not settle.
Halfway through the week I pulled myself together somewhat, but I felt so heavy – the clouds clearly hadn’t lifted. During my CBT session later that day I cried pretty much all the way through. (What a weird situation that is where you’re crying like a loon in front of a stranger who can’t comfort you!)
Yesterday I went over and over the past, thinking about some of the awful shit I have done during times when I was despairingly low, or letting my OCD get out of control. I couldn’t shake off the guilt. When I go over those times, I want to go back and kick myself for giving in to my crazy mind. I would do anything to go back and change it all.
When I wasn’t in the past, I was fast forwarding in to the future, thinking up so many ‘what ifs?’ More and more fears played out in my mind making me feel physically sick. I kept wondering, ‘I can’t control the future, yet I hope so hard that what I am scared of doesn’t happen.’ But the fact is, I can no more control the future than I can go back to change my past.
So, mentally I was stuck.
Last night I experienced more panic, more digs at what I have become because of my mind. I cried this morning at my desk and shook with fear. The sickness returned and I couldn’t eat. I just wanted everything to stop.
Now as I type this, the heaviness seems to have lifted a little. Enough for me to feel a bit saner anyway. Yet, I can feel little niggles of all my worries – they are still there but not as loud. So, though I feel kind of ok, I’m still scared of what will happen when I try to sleep tonight.
This has definitely not been the best of weeks and it’s clear that I need to get stronger to keep fighting my mental health issues.