An overwhelming week

I have definitely had better weeks.

It started off Sunday night when I barely slept. Then I woke up Monday morning feeling sick, but despite all the retching, I didn’t actually puke. Then, I panicked. Then, I cried on and off all day about so many different things: who am I; what should I do with my life; why does my mum have dementia; will I ever manage my OCD; how to I stop my self confidence ruining everything; why did I do so many cruel things in the past; am I normal? On and on and on.

These worries followed me to the next day. I felt fuzzy, tired and wired all at once. Although, I managed some moments of silence from all the thoughts, they still sprung up on me again within a few minutes. I could not settle.

Halfway through the week I pulled myself together somewhat, but I felt so heavy – the clouds clearly hadn’t lifted. During my CBT session later that day I cried pretty much all the way through. (What a weird situation that is where you’re crying like a loon in front of a stranger who can’t comfort you!)

Yesterday I went over and over the past, thinking about some of the awful shit I have done during times when I was despairingly low, or letting my OCD get out of control. I couldn’t shake off the guilt. When I go over those times, I want to go back and kick myself for giving in to my crazy mind. I would do anything to go back and change it all.

When I wasn’t in the past, I was fast forwarding in to the future, thinking up so many ‘what ifs?’ More and more fears played out in my mind making me feel physically sick. I kept wondering, ‘I can’t control the future, yet I hope so hard that what I am scared of doesn’t happen.’ But the fact is, I can no more control the future than I can go back to change my past.

So, mentally I was stuck.

Last night I experienced more panic, more digs at what I have become because of my mind. I cried this morning at my desk and shook with fear. The sickness returned and I couldn’t eat. I just wanted everything to stop.

Now as I type this, the heaviness seems to have lifted a little. Enough for me to feel a bit saner anyway. Yet, I can feel little niggles of all my worries – they are still there but not as loud. So, though I feel kind of ok, I’m still scared of what will happen when I try to sleep tonight.

This has definitely not been the best of weeks and it’s clear that I need to get stronger to keep fighting my mental health issues.

F x

I have a friend

I have a friend that insults me every single day.

Most days, she tells me I have shit hair and that I am stupid.

Other times she’ll comment on how ugly I am and that my boyfriend will go off me.

She frequently digs at what I say and think. She’ll always be there to say that people don’t like me.

She loves to remind me of all my past mistakes.

She won’t ever let me believe that I will handle my OCD and anxiety.

Any time I fail, she is there to laugh and remind me that’s why I shouldn’t try.

She tells me I am not enough. She tells me I am nothing. She sometimes convinces me that I will never get anywhere.

She likes to hold me back because she thinks it is better to do nothing.

She doesn’t believe that I deserve happiness.

She is a total bitch.

But, this friend I cannot ignore so easily.

She is a part of me. She is that annoying voice that I have carried with me for so many years – from my childhood, my teens and to now, on the verge of turning 30.

I can’t let her break me anymore.

Now is the time to start ignoring her, to drown out her remarks and live my life the way I should.

Fuck you, friend.

I’ve had it.

You know what literally is a pain in the butt?

IBS.

I know it isn’t ladylike to talk about it, but I guess I have started to feel sick of beating myself up for having it. I’m starting to resent feeling ashamed because I can’t help it – I can’t help how my body reacts during times of worry and stress.

So, it’s not too cute – going to the toilet for ages; feeling uncomfortable after eating; fretting about flare ups during trips away….(it’s certainly an inconvenience when you’re rushing for a flight or train).

I sometimes feel like I should start working from the toilet on the worst of days. The amount of time I spend in there is silly, really. Though my colleagues say nothing about my 10/15 minute absences from my desk, I always feel this paranoia that they know and must think I am weird.

Then there’s the comments from friends when we’re holidaying together – questions like, “What have you been doing in there all this time?!” You just can’t escape the scrutiny when there is only one toilet shared between a large group of people. The pressure I put on myself to be quick only makes matters worse. Oh, how I envy people who can be in and out to do there business in 5 minutes or less – you people are my idols.

Some days I’ve just frickin’ had it. I remember an episode of Parks and Recreations where the character Chris┬áTraeger stares intently in to the mirror at his own reflection firmly telling himself to, “Stop. Pooping.” I hear ya buddy! There have been numerous times where I’ve cursed myself for having rubbish bowels, and where I have begun to feel like I am a freak. But, I think that it is time to stop giving myself such a hard time.

To some extent, I can control my IBS. I can try to stay calm and keep my anxiety from overwhelming me, however sometimes it doesn’t do much at all and my IBS will persist regardless. There is no point in fighting or hiding it anymore, or making up lies because it’s too much effort. I’m done with trying to be proper and make out like I don’t poo, because I do! And sometimes it takes a while – Sorry about it.

So, this is me being open and honest and telling the damn internet that I have IBS. I am not going to get angry with myself any more. Sometimes you just have to accept your flaws and role with it, right?

F x