You know what literally is a pain in the butt?
I know it isn’t ladylike to talk about it, but I guess I have started to feel sick of beating myself up for having it. I’m starting to resent feeling ashamed because I can’t help it – I can’t help how my body reacts during times of worry and stress.
So, it’s not too cute – going to the toilet for ages; feeling uncomfortable after eating; fretting about flare ups during trips away….(it’s certainly an inconvenience when you’re rushing for a flight or train).
I sometimes feel like I should start working from the toilet on the worst of days. The amount of time I spend in there is silly, really. Though my colleagues say nothing about my 10/15 minute absences from my desk, I always feel this paranoia that they know and must think I am weird.
Then there’s the comments from friends when we’re holidaying together – questions like, “What have you been doing in there all this time?!” You just can’t escape the scrutiny when there is only one toilet shared between a large group of people. The pressure I put on myself to be quick only makes matters worse. Oh, how I envy people who can be in and out to do there business in 5 minutes or less – you people are my idols.
Some days I’ve just frickin’ had it. I remember an episode of Parks and Recreations where the character Chris Traeger stares intently in to the mirror at his own reflection firmly telling himself to, “Stop. Pooping.” I hear ya buddy! There have been numerous times where I’ve cursed myself for having rubbish bowels, and where I have begun to feel like I am a freak. But, I think that it is time to stop giving myself such a hard time.
To some extent, I can control my IBS. I can try to stay calm and keep my anxiety from overwhelming me, however sometimes it doesn’t do much at all and my IBS will persist regardless. There is no point in fighting or hiding it anymore, or making up lies because it’s too much effort. I’m done with trying to be proper and make out like I don’t poo, because I do! And sometimes it takes a while – Sorry about it.
So, this is me being open and honest and telling the damn internet that I have IBS. I am not going to get angry with myself any more. Sometimes you just have to accept your flaws and role with it, right?