Sometimes I liken my depression and anxiety to climbing Mount Ngauruhoe. There is so much loose rock that you have to walk up with some serious momentum otherwise you’ll slide back down. I climbed that mountain back in 2013 and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Now my experience with battling my mind feels very similar to climbing that mountain – every time I think I’ve made some progress with getting it under control, I’ll slip right back down in to the depths where I feel so lost, confused and sad. It takes so much energy to pull myself back out of that again. It is an up and down process that sometimes really seems to get the better of me.
It has now been 3 months since I felt consistently happy and content despite family problems and low self esteem. My anxiety was minimal. I wasn’t worried and I wasn’t fixated on things that might happen. I wasn’t feeling scared of losing people so close to my heart. I wasn’t paranoid or overthinking so much. I didn’t feel like there was something wrong with me and I felt worthwhile.
Sadly I have significantly slipped away from any good feelings, so much so that I decided to start medication again towards the end of last month when I was in such despair over the chaos that is going on inside my mind every day and every night. The adjustment period has and still is, tough. I had a good week, but within a few days I felt awful again and I haven’t slept properly. My appetite has been up and down, much like my mood. I am losing weight, yet I can’t face food much at all during these bad periods. And this morning, I have been signed off work because of anxiety and been prescribed some other medication to keep me calm.
If I could click my fingers and snap out of this, I would. I hate feeling this way. I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced depression, anxiety – or both – just how horrible it is. Neither illnesses pick a convenient time to bring me down. As I type this, I am thinking abut my birthday tomorrow when I will be turning 30. What is meant to be a time of excitement, is now a time of trying to pull myself together to enjoy myself. I shouldn’t have to force this, but I am. I am determined to have an amazing few days with people I love and care about. I will use all of my energy to rise above this.
For anyone else going through this ongoing battle with their minds, I can totally relate. All I can say is that you must keep talking, you must go to the doctors, you must keep trying, you must be kind to yourself. These are the things I have been doing no matter how pointless it sometimes seems. You have to be rational with all the thoughts your mind throws at you because most of the time, they are all false.
I wish with all my heart that I will get through this, and that anyone else going through does too.